NAVIGATE: Airplane Etiquette 102: The Understudies
I didn’t expect to write the 2nd installment of Airplane Etiquette so soon. However, after this recent flight of characters, I felt inclined to send out a few reminders.
The Mad Dasher
The seatbelt sign hasn’t fully stopped illuminating, yet somehow passenger 34C is already mid-hurdle over my carry-on: 6 rows from the cockpit. Beloved. Relax. Sighing loudly isn’t going to make us care any more that your connecting flight leaves in 30 minutes. Don’t expect any of us, especially me, to accommodate your impatience. Next time, pay the money to pick your seat closer to the front or better yet, plan better. Any seasoned traveler can tell you that is it virtually impossible to deplane and sprint through the terminal in time. A one-hour layover is cutting it close, and yet you thought 30 minutes was a good idea. Ok.
The Germ Incubator
We are seated in a sardine can breathing recycled air and you have the audacity to send your germs airborne. Now why you thought I wanted to be subjected to whatever bacteria is wreaking havoc on your immune system is beyond me. My mother taught me at a young age to cover my mouth when sneezing and coughing. It’s not just good home training, but common decency. Learn it.
AA Inductee
I’ll admit. I have a glass of wine or two before a flight to help me sleep. I’ve even left from a Vegas nightclub headed straight to the airport with a few libations flowing gleefully through my system. However, I’m not referring to those scenarios that yield an alcohol induced sleep. This is for that belligerent asshole with the aroma of tequila seeping through their pores. The one whose entitlement is perched front and center waiting for someone…anyone…to challenge it. Spoiler Alert: this isn’t going to end in your favor. So it’s best if you sit quietly, sulking in agave and leave the rest of us be.
The Blocker
It’s 5:20am. I’ve already been at the airport for an hour and the only thing on my mind is getting to my seat to fully immerse myself in a nap. However, my slumber is delayed because the passenger boarding ahead of me is taking his sweet time. We are now on attempt #3 to store his carry-on. No, not because it’s heavy, but because he keeps forgetting to grab something out of it. Oh, and let me also mention that he is unable to sit before removing and neatly folding his jacket. Sir. There is ample amount of time prior to scanning your boarding pass to get yourself together for this flight. Please be prepared to take no more than 15 seconds to throw your bag into the overhead bin and have a seat. Because I (and the passenger behind me, breathing on my neck) are a few moments away from “assisting” you.
Lastly…
That Flight Attendant
I really tried not to do this one so I’ll keep it brief. I don’t know how your PTO works but sis, if this isn’t a good day…